Saturn in Scorpio and the road ahead

saturn in scorpio
This moon in pisces is almost over, but all that means is that the moon is entering my 4th house, today. Emo extravaganza!

Years ago when my scorpio godson was still a baby, he would get into a mood, and if we caught him looking at himself in the mirror his mother and i would look at each other and think--uh oh. He would stare at his reflection in the mirror, start to make faces and work himself up into a bit of a frenzy. It was the strangest thing. My godson is no longer in my life. He will be 15 in a couple of months. His mother was one of my best friends. She was family to me. We were friends for many years--close to twenty years-but a series of events that would bring about our friendship's demise clicked into motion some time ago. Once that train started, it was hard to stop it.

I have lost a lot of friends since saturn entered my 11th house, and in a short period of time, too. With 11th house uranus (aspecting most of my chart's other planets) i do require a lot of space and freedom and so while i am keen for intimacy and camaraderie, i also cannot stand overbearing people, and of course there are people who think that i am overbearing, and cannot stand me in return. Luckily i am wising up in this regard; i am better at staying away from people who don't care about me.

Three years ago i had a roommate. She was a close friend. Living together was a disaster, and i asked her to move out. She moved to another province. The friendship never recovered. Lately i have been missing her quite a lot (something no one close to me understands at all, given how she treated me). I guess i miss what once was. I miss my life from 6 years ago, even though i was totally unhappy in my (then) relationship, i worked with crazy people, i had social anxiety, i wasn't making art, and was still pre-therapy so had a shit ton of crap i'd yet to work through. So why missing?

As the sign before adventure seeking sagittarius, scorpio reveals (at will) the path ahead. Much is made about how scorpio strips us bare, but scorpio also gives us the opportunity to clean up quite nicely before we present ourselves to the world at large. A good question to ask ourselves now with saturn in scorpio would be what kind of path do i want to be on? What kind of adventure do i seek? Where does the trail start?

I have 'lost' a lot of friends over the years. This past 18 months has been particularly stunning in terms of loss. Deaths, breakups, bust ups, disappearances. The common denominator of course is me (and my 11th house uranus). It would be easy to translate this into kashmiri=asshole. I know that isn't true and i won't buy it from anyone selling it. I do know i can feel oppressed by others as a matter of routine. Their presence oppresses me. This is why i do so well with water signs, best of all. They drift in and out with the tides. My closest friends historically have an emphasis on either water, or water houses. When the tide pulls out, you know it will come back in eventually. But they also accept that i wish to drift in and out, that i need to drift in and out. I am deeply insecure (though getting better) and at the same time need to be left alone in order to fortify myself emotionally and mentally. This is uranus/11th sextile my capricorn moon, opposite my chiron/ic conjunction. I need autonomy. I can get lost in someone else's maze, one i didn't want to crawl into.

This past week my oldest friend has been in town. She lives up on haida gwaii. We have known one another since we were 13--23 years. We have been drifting in and out like this forever. We have both found that it is simply easiest to accept one another as is, and so we drift. Though never very far away.

I ask myself now: what do i want from friendship? What do i want to share, energetically? What kind of path do i hope to be on in a couple of years from now? What do i want to set about finding? How do i prepare myself for the road ahead? These are questions i hope to have answered for myself over the next few months.