A new life

My partner and i rarely fight, which is something we agreed upon when we embarked on this relationship. The way we see it, we were friends who didn't fight before we started dating and we certainly could remain friends who didn't fight after we started dating. He thought i was crazy when i proposed the idea but came to see my side of things. Choosing not to fight is as easy as choosing to fight. In any case, don't be an asshole seems to be a fairly simple rule to follow if, you know, you don't feel like fighting. If you do feel like fighting, check whether or not you and your partner connect on an intimate level and get back to me. Intimacy is more than just sex. But you already know that, right?

Yesterday was a horrific day for me. Mars in cancer opposing pluto in capricorn formed a grand cardinal cross with my mars in aries opposing pluto in libra. We had a very serious fight. It was bad. 

I said things i thought i'd never say. I did things i thought i'd never do. And through all of it, i was so lucid, so deliberate, so calculating. I wavered on the knife blade, thinking i can do this, or i can not do this. Where are you now, saturn? And i screamed. I screamed and screamed and screamed in anger. I was so angry, it was as if every last blood molecule within my veins was seeped in it. I was so angry it was no longer personal. It was outside me as much as it was in me. And so was he.

Turn it around, turn it around, turn it around.

We both wanted to turn it around, but it was like a merry-go-round. Once you start, how do you get off? We were locked into it. Until suddenly, we weren't. We could just as easily fuck this whole thing and just move beyond it, he said. Just like that, the anger disappeared as quickly as it came. We both have mars trine neptune...Him in water signs, and i in water houses. We used the energy available to us.

Before night fell i ran a couple of errands and en route home a flash came to me. I want a new life. And then another flash came to me. This is my new life. What i felt in that moment is difficult to describe. It was unbelievably beautiful. This life--a new life--is gifted to me every day. Every day i wake up to a new life. 

The night crept on, and so did our exhaustion. We went to bed early and slept and slept. The old cat came up into my arms for comfort and i thought of the morning ahead, his vet appointment and the dread i felt in contemplating what my next steps for his care should be. As it transpires the vet convinced me he wasn't in as much pain as i feared, as he is still quite engaged. Love him a while longer and be compassionate, was his advice. Indeed: for the cat and for all of us. Oh, and a bit of metamucil.

We found love in a hopeless place. What can i say? All quiet on the western front.