The temperatures have dropped ever so slightly. There is wind in the air and the poor neighbourhood trees which have died for reasons unknown have conspired to confuse me further. It is high summer, not autumn. Bring back the heat. Here we are, with a summer of Saturn in Scorpio squaring the Sun in Leo, a new take on a similar aspect in my own chart: Sun in 5th square Saturn in Leo. I have been obsessed with trying to crack the self-esteem puzzle lately. Nothing I read or hear from other people on this topic has much resonance for me, and I guess that's not only understandable, but preferable. Genuine change comes from the genuine Self, and the genuine Self is within you, not outside you.
I must keep looking.
I want to forgive myself. I want to forgive myself for staying with a drunk, because I felt scared. I want to forgive myself for being bulimic because I felt it was the only way to rid myself of what plagued me. I want to forgive myself for being unkind because I felt threatened. I want to forgive myself for being untrusting because I felt easily hurt. I want to forgive myself for not trying, because I thought if no one had my back, then why should I? I want to forgive myself for quitting yoga because it was just too damn emotional and I couldn't take it anymore. I want to forgive myself for spending money I didn't have to make myself feel better. I want to forgive myself for giving up because I failed to see the point. I want to forgive myself for being angry there was no one to take care of me. I want to forgive myself for wishing I was someone else, that I had someone else's life. I want to forgive myself for having sex to shut someone else up. I want to forgive myself for drinking too much because I was pretending that I and the drunks I surrounded myself by had more meaningful connections than we actually did. I want to forgive myself for not learning how to drive because of recurring dreams that imprinted failure into my subconscious. I want to forgive myself for feeling like a failure. I want to forgive myself for failing.
I truly don't care about the hard lessons of Saturn anymore. With Saturn in Scorpio, I am interested in forgiveness. Too much is made about the less attractive traits of both Saturn and Scorpio (nevermind how they mix). Scorpio has the power to forgive. Scorpio sees the root of your pain, and understands. Scorpio preps us for the higher education of the 9th House. Scorpio has walked a mile in your shoes. Scorpio knows. Scorpio loves. Scorpio isn't beyond making the same mistake twice, and can forgive you if you do. Scorpio has the power to forgive. Healing doesn't come without forgiveness on every level of your being. Root the damn thing out and then make it your business to excavate.
You'd be a fool to keep on the road you're on, if that road is riddled with tears. Don't be a fool. Get ready to move. Where do you want to be? What do you want to seek out? Use the energy available to you, with Saturn in Scorpio. Figure out where you are spinning your wheels in the mud and then get to work getting unstuck. Is the answer outside you? No. Will the answer come from someone else? No. If you spend enough energy on another being will they feel compelled to reciprocate? No. Get ready to move.
